You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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