you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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