i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
