I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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