Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
