Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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