I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
