At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
