my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
