Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
