Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His hands were made for my vagina.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
