My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
