My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
