I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
