I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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