She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
