Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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