And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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