He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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