i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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