dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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