my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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