Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
