you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
