i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
