Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
