It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
