Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
