my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
