did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
