I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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