NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It was confusing and full of hummus
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
