There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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