Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Randomize
