she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
