i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
