Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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