my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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