I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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