he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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