seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
