I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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