so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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