she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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