Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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