mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They have beer where we have blood.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
