when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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