I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
