Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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