just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
