It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
